Pass the sauce, dear. Turkey’s a little dry.
So in a bizarre parody of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and The Great Escape, 5 teenage girls have to break out of a dank mental asylum where they’re being abused by THE MAN. They form an elite team consisting of a vulnerable blonde one; a bigger, meaner blonde one; a ‘feisty’ redhead; an asian one and a vaguely tanned brunette. The fetish factory in full swing. They have vaguely ‘sassy’ code names, but these don’t really matter, they’re not characters, they’re cut-outs designed to look good in various states of undress. Mind you, it’s probably a blessing they have no idea how to deliver their lines with dialogue like this on the table:
[panic] “If Blue finds out, we’re dead!”
[deadpan pathos] “We’re already dead.”
To aid them in their escape, the principal heroine can drag her comrades in to a series of bizarre fantasy worlds, where their furtive escapades are played out as series of ridiculous, action-packed, commando missions complete with demonic samurais, dragons… and steam-punk zombified wehrmacht soldiers!?
Damn that sounds incredible, doesn’t it? Five super-powered commandos taking on a horde of slavering clockwork zombie soldiers across a shell-pocked WW1 battlefield. Actually, turns out its pretty boring. Each ‘heroine’ effortlessly mows her way through wave after wave of grey, faceless goons in a tedious yawn-fest that’s uncannily like watching someone else a slash-em-up video game. It’s not cool or exciting, just ‘oh’ and even ‘yawn’. Where’s the spectacle, where’s the attitude, where’s the rock n’ roll? In a fantasy dream land with no rules you shouldn’t shoot robots with a machine gun, you should run up to one and nut it in the face so hard it’s head flies off into outer space, or throw tanks at them, or spinning pile driver them sixty feet through the air to explode in mash of wires and electricity – because that would be awesome and this film’s in dire need of some awesome. As it is, this the adventures play out like a bargain-bucket version of the Matrix with a skin change.
Of course, the fights are only rubbish because they lavished so much time and attention on the mental institution side of the plot, which is a rich and thought provoking tapestry of unbreakable friendships formed in impossible circumstances and a thorough celebration of the human spirit. Wait. No. It’s actually just a confusing mish-mash of ideas and scenes which are almost utterly incomprehensible, if not down-right stupid. Apparently there’s a stage and the girls act out their psychological problems on it? And the custodian is some sort of pimp? This isn’t some Lynchian, mess-with-your-mind, aren’t-we-avant-garde twist, it really is just a ludicrous mess. I still have no idea what happened to asian girl and vaguely tanned girl, they just get abruptly written out about two thirds through to make the ending seem tidier, but I guess that’s what you get for not being white and blonde.
So. Unsexy, poorly plotted and boring, with godawful acting and a load of scantily clad women. Yup, this film is pretty much the teen-lite spiritual successor to Showgirls.